Hope
by l0vetakesnoprisoners
Summary: Spencer Reid hated hope and what it caused him to do. Nothing to do with 7x08 'Hope'


Spencer Reid was depressed.

Well, maybe not depressed, but extremely sad. He hoped that the disappointment and crippling loneliness that he felt would go away, preferably sometime soon. He doubted that it would…But he hoped. He shook his head at that thought.

He hated hope, absolutely hated it.

Because hope had been a major factor in the decision that had pushed away the one person in his life that he'd fell in love with. Hope had utterly destroyed their relationship.

He **hoped** that when he told her his feelings this wouldn't happen. He **hoped** that she would magically reciprocate them. He **hoped** that they could be something more than best friends. He **hoped** that even though she was in a relationship, an unhealthy one, mind you, he could mean something more to her. He **hoped** that he might have meant _something_ to her.

So, he hoped and he hoped. And hope led him to making the rashest decision in his life. A decision that he regretted every single day since it occurred and could only hope that that he could take it back.

Damn it. There he goes hoping again. When would he ever learn?

That led him to another question: what was he going to do about work? He hadn't been back since it happened. It happened on Thursday; and Hotch told them to recuperate from the last case, so none of them had gone in on Friday; they didn't get a case over the weekend, thank god; and to avoid the awkwardness that he knew would be awaiting him this Monday, he'd called in sick.

But he couldn't avoid work forever. Maybe he could transfer from the unit. Maybe to Las Vegas, he'd get to see his mom a lot more then.

He knew he couldn't though. Moving to Vegas would mean leaving his family. It meant leaving Henry. It meant leaving _her_.

As much as he'd like to forget about her and the disastrous situation he created by a moment of stupidity, he knew that he could never do it. Sometimes, she was all that got him through. She was the one who stopped his dilauded use. She was the one who really knew him.

And it killed him that things would never be the same. It killed him to know that their relationship was fluttering away, just like the snow outside of his window.

In a way, he was glad that he said something. At least he can say that he tried. Now he doesn't have to wonder what if. It was only a small consolation.

So, Spencer Reid sat on his sofa in his warm apartment on a terribly cold day as the snow fell outside, trying not to wallow in self-pity.

He was trying not to hope. Because, goddamn it, even though he hated hope and what it caused him to do, he still hoped. He hoped that maybe she was in shock and just didn't think about it. He hoped that when she got home, she thought long and hard about what he said. He hoped that she'd change her mind.

But four days and not even a phone call later, he was ready to give up hope altogether.

A knock on the door interrupted his musings. He absent-mindedly got up and answered it. The person at the door took his breath away…because the person at the door was _her._

God she was perfect. "JJ," he breathed.

Her cobalt eyes were as bright as ever. Her long golden hair, the top of it covered in snow, was left down and wavy. The cold had added a rosy color to her cheeks, which Spencer adored. She stood with her gloved hands together and her shoulders hunched from the cold.

"Hi, Spence," she said meekly, the condensation from her breath drifting away from her mouth. Spencer couldn't form a reply; he just stood there, shocked.

She gave an awkward laugh. "Do you think I could come in? It's cold out here."  
>"Ah—yes," he recovered, stepping aside and widening the door.<p>

"Thanks." She entered the apartment, taking off her black pea coat and hanging it on a nearby hook.

"So, um," Reid cleared his throat. "If you don't mind me asking, JJ, why are you here? You're supposed to be at work."

"And you're supposed to be sick," she replied, shaking the snow from her head and following him to the sofa.

He hesitated. Of course, she had him there, but what was he supposed to say? Yeah, I called in sick because I love you, but you don't love me, and I can't go in and act like everything's fine? No, he couldn't.

"Well, I am feeling a bit under the weather." She looked at him, her blue eyes knowing.  
>"Really, Spence? You're going to lie? I thought we were closer than that."<p>

"Yeah, well, I also thought a lot of things." They both winced as soon as he said it. He didn't mean to sound so bitter, but he couldn't help it.

"I'm sorry, JJ. It's not—"

"No, Spence, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that on Friday. I…I've been going through things with Will lately, and it just sort of caught me by surprise."

He sighed sadly. "I am sorry, Jayje. I didn't mean to spring this on you, especially when I know what's going on with Will. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Well, it certainly wasn't the best timing, yeah, but when I really thought about it, I realized that I wasn't sure that I wanted to try to make it work with Will anymore. I want you in my life, Spence, but I'm not quite sure how right this minute. I do know that I have some feelings for you, but I also have some feelings for Will, even though they're mixed."

He watched as she collected her thoughts, and she was grateful that he was even listing to her.

"Can we just take it one step at a time?" She asked.  
>He nodded. Of course he could do that.<p>

Because, he had hope.

This had started as just kind of as a Reid angst piece, but I couldn't resist giving them a semi-happy ending. Let me know if you liked it.


End file.
